My Seinfeld Quotes
As I was finishing up my "Seinfeld" season 6 DVD's this past weekend, I thought about how many GREAT quotes have come from that show. So I've decided to compile a list of my favorites. This is just the beginning as I plan to add a new one to this list every couple of days. Enjoy!
George Costanza: Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner.
Newman: Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.
George Costanza: But... you're a mailman! 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow... ' It's the first one
Newman: I've never been much for credos.
Elaine: Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid?
Cosmo Kramer: Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.
Jackie Chiles: [speaking at a rapid clip, about one sentence per second] You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on?
Jerry: [Kramer enters] Hey, Jughead.
Cosmo Kramer: Hi, Archie. [to Elaine]
Cosmo Kramer: Veronica. [to George]
Cosmo Kramer: Mr. Weatherbee.
George Costanza: I have to have my tonsils taken out.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, man! No! George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you.
Jerry: It's routine surgery.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going [high-pitched voice] "My name is Bob!"
Frank Costanza: You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen... So who is having sex with the rooster?
[George has talked his girlfriend Audrey into getting a nose job]
George Costanza: I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it.
Jerry: It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.
Dean Jones: Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Cosmo Kramer: It may seem glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Dean Jones: As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment that may or may not contain a chicken!
Cosmo Kramer: And with Darrin's help, we'll get that chicken!
Dean Jones: I'm sorry; there's just no way we can allow Darrin to stay with you.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, this decision seems capricious and arbitrary.
Dean Jones: Your fly's open.
Cosmo Kramer:"We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it."
Jerry: "So that's here?"
Cosmo Kramer:"Yes, yes, you're like Switzerland."
Jerry: "I don't wanna be Switzerland."
Cosmo Kramer:"Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in an epic struggle for world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted."
Newman:"Don't look at me."
Cosmo Kramer:"Oh, I'm looking right at you, Big Daddy."
Elaine: [about Newman] Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a twinkie.
Cosmo Kramer: You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist.
Jerry: I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.
Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.
George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
Gina: [Gina's boyfriend Martin is in a coma] Kiss me right in front of him.
Jerry: I can't. What if he wakes up.
Gina: A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?
Jerry: I'm a man who respects a good coma.
George Costanza: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
George Costanza: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?
Cosmo Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.
Jerry: That's true.
Cosmo Kramer: It's very refreshing.
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
George Costanza: You're really moving to California?
Cosmo Kramer: [points to his head] Up here, I'm already gone.
Cosmo Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Cosmo Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
Jerry: Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good - what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again.
Rental Car Agent: Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car.
George Costanza: I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances.
Jerry: You have made some good exits.
Jerry: I need to talk to you about my friend, Dr. Tim Whatley. I think he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.
George Costanza: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
George Costanza: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.
Cosmo Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Cosmo Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Cosmo Kramer: But they do, and they're the ones writing it off.
George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
George Costanza: Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
George Costanza: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
Jerry: I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.
Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: All right, that's enough.
Jerry: The answering machine is like a relationship barometer.
George Costanza: What IS a barometer?
Cosmo Kramer: It's pronounced thermometer.
[Kramer and Morty are running for Condo President]
Elaine: Who are they running against?
Jerry: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
Jerry: Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal.
Cosmo Kramer: It's not illegal.
Jerry: It's against the law.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, yeah...
Cosmo Kramer: No, she was completely topless.
George Costanza: How good of a look did you get?
Jerry: What do you mean?
George Costanza: Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
(George is planning to name his 1st child "Seven")
Jerry: Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life.
[Kramer and Newman are playing Risk]
Elaine: What's that?
Jerry: It's the game of global domination being played by two men who can barely run their own lives.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That seems about right.
Elaine: Well, I'm going to hell.
Jerry: That seems about right.
Jerry: I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
George Costanza: What is a gander, anyway?
Jerry: It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe.
[George and Kramer are going to test Kramer's bladder system]
George Costanza: Did you get the video camera?
Jerry: Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial.
Cosmo Kramer: You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora."
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well, she had one too.
Jerry: Oh right, the new job. How is it?
George Costanza: I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm.
Jerry: So who's the new you?
George Costanza: We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.
George Costanza: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
[George is eating all the shrimp]
Riley: Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp.
George Costanza: Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you.
Riley: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller.
George Costanza: Yeah well... I had sex with your wife.
Board member: His wife is in a coma.
[Kramer is modeling for a bachelor auction]
Elaine: Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's... a high school graduate.
Cosmo Kramer: Equivalency.
Elaine: Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh... I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes... fruit, and he just got, um... a haircut. [Kramer slips off the runway and falls onto a table below]
Elaine: Do I hear... five bucks?
George Costanza: Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner.
Newman: Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.
George Costanza: But... you're a mailman! 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow... ' It's the first one
Newman: I've never been much for credos.
Elaine: Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid?
Cosmo Kramer: Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.
Jackie Chiles: [speaking at a rapid clip, about one sentence per second] You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on?
Jerry: [Kramer enters] Hey, Jughead.
Cosmo Kramer: Hi, Archie. [to Elaine]
Cosmo Kramer: Veronica. [to George]
Cosmo Kramer: Mr. Weatherbee.
George Costanza: I have to have my tonsils taken out.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, man! No! George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you.
Jerry: It's routine surgery.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going [high-pitched voice] "My name is Bob!"
Frank Costanza: You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen... So who is having sex with the rooster?
[George has talked his girlfriend Audrey into getting a nose job]
George Costanza: I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it.
Jerry: It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.
Dean Jones: Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Cosmo Kramer: It may seem glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Dean Jones: As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment that may or may not contain a chicken!
Cosmo Kramer: And with Darrin's help, we'll get that chicken!
Dean Jones: I'm sorry; there's just no way we can allow Darrin to stay with you.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, this decision seems capricious and arbitrary.
Dean Jones: Your fly's open.
Cosmo Kramer:"We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it."
Jerry: "So that's here?"
Cosmo Kramer:"Yes, yes, you're like Switzerland."
Jerry: "I don't wanna be Switzerland."
Cosmo Kramer:"Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in an epic struggle for world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted."
Newman:"Don't look at me."
Cosmo Kramer:"Oh, I'm looking right at you, Big Daddy."
Elaine: [about Newman] Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a twinkie.
Cosmo Kramer: You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist.
Jerry: I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.
Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.
George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
Gina: [Gina's boyfriend Martin is in a coma] Kiss me right in front of him.
Jerry: I can't. What if he wakes up.
Gina: A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?
Jerry: I'm a man who respects a good coma.
George Costanza: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
George Costanza: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?
Cosmo Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.
Jerry: That's true.
Cosmo Kramer: It's very refreshing.
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
George Costanza: You're really moving to California?
Cosmo Kramer: [points to his head] Up here, I'm already gone.
Cosmo Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Cosmo Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
Jerry: Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good - what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again.
Rental Car Agent: Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car.
George Costanza: I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances.
Jerry: You have made some good exits.
Jerry: I need to talk to you about my friend, Dr. Tim Whatley. I think he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.
George Costanza: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
George Costanza: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.
Cosmo Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Cosmo Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Cosmo Kramer: But they do, and they're the ones writing it off.
George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
George Costanza: Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
George Costanza: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
Jerry: I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.
Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: All right, that's enough.
Jerry: The answering machine is like a relationship barometer.
George Costanza: What IS a barometer?
Cosmo Kramer: It's pronounced thermometer.
[Kramer and Morty are running for Condo President]
Elaine: Who are they running against?
Jerry: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
Jerry: Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal.
Cosmo Kramer: It's not illegal.
Jerry: It's against the law.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, yeah...
Cosmo Kramer: No, she was completely topless.
George Costanza: How good of a look did you get?
Jerry: What do you mean?
George Costanza: Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
(George is planning to name his 1st child "Seven")
Jerry: Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life.
[Kramer and Newman are playing Risk]
Elaine: What's that?
Jerry: It's the game of global domination being played by two men who can barely run their own lives.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That seems about right.
Elaine: Well, I'm going to hell.
Jerry: That seems about right.
Jerry: I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
George Costanza: What is a gander, anyway?
Jerry: It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe.
[George and Kramer are going to test Kramer's bladder system]
George Costanza: Did you get the video camera?
Jerry: Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial.
Cosmo Kramer: You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora."
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well, she had one too.
Jerry: Oh right, the new job. How is it?
George Costanza: I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm.
Jerry: So who's the new you?
George Costanza: We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.
George Costanza: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
[George is eating all the shrimp]
Riley: Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp.
George Costanza: Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you.
Riley: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller.
George Costanza: Yeah well... I had sex with your wife.
Board member: His wife is in a coma.
[Kramer is modeling for a bachelor auction]
Elaine: Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's... a high school graduate.
Cosmo Kramer: Equivalency.
Elaine: Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh... I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes... fruit, and he just got, um... a haircut. [Kramer slips off the runway and falls onto a table below]
Elaine: Do I hear... five bucks?
Comments
Reading these had me chuckling away - at WORK - so thanks!