My Seinfeld Season One Quotes

I was trying to look up a specific Seinfeld quote today and realized how limited those sites are. So I've decided to go through all nine seasons and give the world one of the most complete Seinfeld quote collections around. Enjoy.

Season One

Jerry: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I… I… I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little… everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it…? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

George: Listen, your stuff has to be done by know, why don't you just see if it's dried?

Jerry: No, no, no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it's doing, just let it finish.

George: You're gonna over dry it.

Jerry: You, you can't over dry.

George: Why not?

Jerry: Same as you can't over wet. You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't over die, you can't over dry.

Jerry: "Quone"?

Helen: …30…31…

Jerry: "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.(Jerry picks up the dictionary.)

Helen: …32…

Kramer: No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.

Jerry: I am challenging.

Kramer: Quone. To quone something.

Jerry: Uh-huh.(Jerry looks up the word.)

Helen: I'm not playing with you anymore.

Morty: Quone's not a word.

Jerry: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.

Helen: (to Kramer) Why did you make me put that down?

Kramer: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.

Vanessa: Why don't you relax and take your jacket off?

Jerry: Oh, I can't. I have a tendency to get chilly.

Vanessa: How masculine.

Jerry: Plus I'm wearing short sleeves. I don't want to expose my tattoos.

Policeman: Well, Mr. Seinfeld, we'll look into it and, uh, we'll let you know if we find anything.

Jerry: Do you ever find anything?

Policeman: No.

Policeman: Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer is that 'bout it?

Elaine: Answering machine.

Jerry: Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea of someone out there returning my calls.

Jerry: How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe of buying a new TV and smash it over my head.

Elaine: Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. Wanna get something to eat?

Jerry: Where?

Elaine: I don't care. I'm not hungry.

Jerry: We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.

Elaine: What are we gonna do there, talk?

Jerry: We can talk.

Elaine: I'll go if I don't have to talk.

Jerry: Then we'll just sit there.

Jerry: (on George's fanny pack) Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

George: Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel.

George: Can you change this (penny jug) into bills?

Bank Teller: I'm sorry sir, we can't do that.

George: Look, they did this for me before!

Bank Teller: Look, I can give you these (penny rolls) and you can roll them yourself.

George: You want me to roll 6,000 of these?! What? should I quit my job?!

Elaine: What evidence is there that cats are so smart anyway? What do they do? Because they're clean? I'm sorry. My uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to 10 so don't give me hygiene.

Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.

George: I never heard him say anything really funny.

Jerry: But it’s common sense. He’s got super strength, super speed… I’m sure he’s got super humor.

Dry Cleaner: (to Jerry) May I help you?

Jerry: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely no way I can wear it.

Dry Cleaner: When did you bring it in?

Jerry: What's the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?

Dry Cleaner: You got a receipt?

Jerry: I can't find the receipt.

Dry Cleaner: You should get the receipt.

Jerry: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?

Dry Cleaner: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?

Jerry: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I don't even want the money. Just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt.

Dry Cleaner: Maybe you asked for it to be washed.

Jerry: No! Dry-cleaned!

Dry Cleaner: Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing --

Jerry: You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!

Dry Cleaner: (looks around making sure not too many people are listening) I shrunk it.

Feel free to add any I may have missed in the comment section.