Ron Swanson Quotes (Updated 1/15)

  “I have been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It’s a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include: Capitalism, God’s way of determining who is smart, and who is poor. Crying, acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights. Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”

  “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

  “Now, I know I’m not going to find somebody that’s both aggressively mean and apathetic. April really is the whole package.”

  “You had me at meat tornado.”

  “I’m surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.”

  “When I walked in this morning I saw that the flag was at half mast, I though, ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!’ And then I saw it was Lil’ Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.”

  “I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.’s Diner. Home of the world’s best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.”

  “You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.”

  (On fishing) “It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”

  “Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.”

  “I am off to have a mid-morning pre-lunch with my lady friend, but I will be back in time for lunch.”

  “The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”

  “It’s never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teet until they have sore, chapped nipples. I’m gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.”

  “Leslie, you need to understand that we are headed to the most special place on earth. When I’m done eating a Mulligan’s meal, for weeks afterwards there are flecks of meat in my mustache and I refuse to clean it because every now and then a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.”

  (His museum speech) “Shut up. And look at me. Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big and some are small. People did them and they are here now. I believe after this is over they will be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.”

  “The whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”

  “I won’t publicly endorse a product unless I use it exclusively. My only official recommendations are U.S. Army issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.”

  (On his feelings about the Parks Department) “I’ve been quite open about this around the office: I don’t want this parks department to build any parks, because I don’t believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.”

  “My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe ... when he desires them.”

  (On Leslie Knope’s new haircut) “It’s just like my brother’s. He’s an officer in the Air Force.”

  “My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here; turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It’s like a fairy tale.”

  “I would prefer that she ask me for my permission so I could say no. I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.”

  (On his ex-wife, Tammy) “Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her? She works for the library.”

  “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”

  “I got my first job when I was 9. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.”

  “The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.”

  "I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and I was hit by a school bus and then again when I heard Li'l Sebastian had passed."

  Ron: Thank you all for being here, let's get started.
Leslie: Wow, great attitude Ron.
Ron: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs

  ”When I eat it is the food that is scared.”

  “I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”

  Ron: She's here.
Leslie: Who's here?
Ron: My ex-wife Tammy 2. I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves.

  (About Andy) “Of all my coworkers he is one of a small number of whom I do not actively root against...uh, there I go again gettin' all sappy.”

  “My first day of college my father dropped me off at the steel mill. He didn't think I should go to college, but I hitched a ride, enrolled, and learned a lot.”

  “Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They're too strong for clippers.”

  (About April and Andy) No, I don't care about their relationship. I just don't want to lose April. I would never be able to find a worst assistant.

  Chris: have you ever tried a turkey burger?

Ron: "Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, then yes.

Ron: Why do people eat anything besides breakfast food?
Leslie: Because people are idiots Ron.

I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.

There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food

Chris: Ron, I want to do things the Swanson way.
Ron: Wonderful. First rule. No conversation lasts longer than 100 total words. I have used 9. You have used 20.

I will leave my children $50 a piece. Enough for the cab ride home from the funeral and a steak dinner. End of discussion.

The three most useless jobs in the world in order are: lawyer, congressman, and doctor.

I've had the same will since I was 8 years old. Upon my death, I will transfer all of my belongings to the man or animal who has killed me.

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and doing nothing, I'll do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant that nothing got done.

Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
Ron: One.
Ann: That's it? One drink?
Ron: One shelf.
Ann: Do you exercise?
Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?
Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk.

The next thing you'll want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.

Diane: Hey, am I interrupting something important?
Ron: Impossible. I work for the government.

Never half ass two things, whole ass one thing.