The Office Season 5.1 Quotes

Dwight: From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more.

Meredith: What should we do with all these leftovers?
Stanley: I'm taking the dumplings for my wife.
Dwight: No, no, no. This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers.
Creed: I can bring these to my shelter.
Stanley: I'm taking my dumplings.
Dwight: [sprays food with bug poison] There. Take those home to your wife.
Michael: Dwight, Dwight!
Dwight: Michael, it's time.

Andy: I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.

Holly: Ex-squeeze me.
Michael: I will ex-squeeze you.
Michael: OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays.
Dwight: Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
Jim: [smiles, looks to Michael] Really, nothing?
Darryl: 2,336 pounds. Y'all need to learn some portion control.
Dwight: Wait a minute. Pam is on the scale.
Michael: Oh, Pamcake. No, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose. Vamoose, Pam. Dunder Mifflin family only.
Dwight: Family only.
Darryl: All right, got it. 2,210 pounds.
Kevin: Pam, you weigh 226 pounds?
Holly: Almost, Kevin.
Pam: Not almost, though, Holly. I mean, not -- not close to 200...
Holly: Math is hard.
Kevin: Yeah.
Pam: Just, we'll just keep going.

Stanley: I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is, I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. [holds up old photo] Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.

Michael: Jimbo.
Jim: Ah, they moved the shower.
Michael: Did you see Holly's butt?
Jim: No, I didn't. [Michael laughs] You know why?
Michael: Why?
Jim: Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts.
Michael: I know.
Jim: But what have you learned about her?
Michael: I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read "Lonesome Dove" three times.
Jim: Nice.
Michael: And that her butt refuses to quit!
Jim: Well, I tried.

Pam: Tomorrow I start a three-month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the big apple. [does hand gesture] What up, 212?

Dwight: Fax this for me.
Jim: Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes.
Dwight: It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. [to Pam] If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind.

Andy: Ang. Ela. [sings] Ella, ella, ella. Under my Angerela. Ella, ella, ella. Ay, ay--
Angela: What?
Andy: Hey, check it out. [hands her brochure] This is The Breakers, Newport, Rhode Island. Huge, awesome gorgeous mansion overlooking the Atlantic. And my dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper.

Andy: Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding.

Angela: No. No.
Andy: This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.
Angela: I don't care.
Andy: OK. How do you feel about Maine? [Angela picks up phone and dials] I'm on it. I'll see you later, love. [Dwight's pager vibrates, he and Angela walk out]

Jim: Why haven't I proposed yet? Uh, actually Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um -- well, we didn't want to spend first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here...

Jim: I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.

Michael: [rapping] I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot. She's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best. All those sucker branches can suck our fat!
Holly: Wikka wikka wikka what?

Ronnie: Dunder Mifflin, this is Ronnie.

Jim: I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years, and eventually declare my love for her.

Kelly: [sickly] I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online, size 2. So ... gonna look amazing.

Michael: Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who's your daddy? You don't know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don't. [to Jan] Come on. Let's go in.

When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father.

Angela: Listen, dummy! It's not that hard. All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A G.D. monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it.
Holly: No! You do not talk to him like that!
Angela: But he's an idiot!
Kevin: Hey!
Holly: He is not an idiot!
Kevin: Thank you, Holly.
Holly: He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.
Kevin: Wait, back up. Do you think that I am retarded?
Holly: Well, no. Dwight...
Angela: Oh, Holly, that is very offensive.
Holly: I'm sorry.

Andy: Hey. So, since my little lady has such particular, impossible to perceive taste, I have made nonrefundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales: Hot-air balloons over Napa Valley, world-famous Walt Disney's Epcot Center, scuba-diving wedding in the Bahamas and the Wilkes-Barre Marriott Ballroom C.
Angela: Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No.

Stanley: I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds.

Phyllis: Yes, I've replaced Angela as head of the party planning committee. [footage of Dwight and Angela making out] I guess I was just in the right place at the right time.

What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went -- I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.

Michael:Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
Dwight: Shotgun weddings.
Jim: That's not what that is.
Creed: Fright. Being scared to death.
Michael: No.
Holly: Obesity-caused illnesses.
Dwight: Obesity-caused illnesses.
Michael: Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
Jim: I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Michael: Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
Angela: No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Michael: If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
Jim: Cryogenics. Beer me five.
Michael: This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.

Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.

Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.

Ryan: [walks in the office] How's my favorite branch doing? [no one talks, everyone stares at Ryan] All right [sits at reception].

Michael: Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him.

Ryan: And you got a goatee!
Michael: I did!
Ryan: Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?
Michael: Yes. Gooooo-tee!
Kevin: Firrrrre-duh guy! [high fives Ryan]
Ryan: Hey Kevin... [Kevin gives Ryan a noogie] That's really funny.
Kevin: Yeah.
Ryan: It's great to see you Kev.
Kevin: You too.

Ryan: I'm keeping a list... of everyone who wrongs me. So when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list.

Ryan: Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race I've realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started volunteering. Giving back to the community.
Jim: Well that's great. [shakes Ryan's hand] You're talking about your court ordered community service?
Ryan: I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Jim: But he did, right?
Ryan: All right.
Jim: All right.

Andy: This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.

Michael: Close the door. This is your fault.
Jim: Nope.
Michael: Your stupid friend zone.
Jim: Mmm.
Michael: I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh--- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man!

Dwight: Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. [looking at Phyllis] And most of you are just as fat as the day we began.
Jim: How much weight have you lost, Dwight?
Dwight: I am hardly the problem, Jim.
Jim: No, you're definitely the problem.
Dwight: This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.

Holly: "...or that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies. As was clearly stated in the official starting---"
Michael: [in a fat suit, speaking in his Michael Clump voice] Ohhhh! Bang! Boom! Say Clump! Why hello everybody!
Holly: What are you doing?
Jim: Fair question.
Michael: I say, I say, I say, I say down Holly! I'll take it from here. I am beautiful. [hangs pictures of fat people on the wall, including two fat people on a bike, the Ghostbusters Marshmallow Man, Elvis, Martin Lawrence in Big Mamma's House, Jabba the Hutt, and a fat pig] They are beautiful. He is beautiful. This big fat pig is beautiful.

Michael: Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society.
Jim: See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but... maybe there's something wrong with you.
Michael: If it's me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, "Why are you dressed in a plus sized suit?"
Kevin: Because you're kind of doing Michael Clump.
Michael: How do you know Michael Clump?
Oscar: Because it's your making-fun-of-fat-people character.
Michael: How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people.
Oscar: I think of him as more like... a monster? What about, "I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!"
Dwight: No, no, no, it goes, it goes... look, "I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!"
Michael: No, no, no, NO, no! You know what? Fat people are not monsters! Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject. Bang! Boom! Case in point! Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside... and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man.
Dwight: Vamping.
Michael: Hey! Why don't you just sit down, please?
Dwight: Eh, I've been sitting all day.
Michael: We're doing this because of you. So why don't you just go stand somewhere else. [to Ryan] Hey. Hey. You shaved?
Ryan: I did.
Michael: Why?
Ryan: [at a loss for words]

Phyllis: I wonder what people like about me? ... Probably my jugs.

Michael: Kelly, will you just agree to stop this mess and stop trying to kill yourself?
Kelly: I hate dieting, I hate it so much. I hate this worm inside of me!
Michael: I want you to know. Kelly, look at me! I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are truly, truly beautiful. Give me a hug. [Michael hugs Kelly, his head in her chest] Mmmmmm.

Andy: Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them... or he quits them because they are unfair.

Angela: I hate to even ask because you have been so accommodating about all the wedding stuff.
Andy: Your wish is my command.
Angela: Is there any way our first dance can be to my favorite song, The Little Drummer Boy?
Andy: Of course!
Angela: Really?
Andy: Yeah! I mean it's a great song. I always thought it was bigger than Christmas anyway. You know?
Angela: Mmhmm.
Andy: And you know what? The guys already know it so it's easy breezy.
Angela: The guys?
Andy: I didn't tell you.
Angela: Mm-mm
Andy: Here Comes Treble, class of '96 was available for our big day, so, I booked 'em.
Angela: I don't think that...
Andy: And, they are collectively my best man. And they are crashing with us for three weeks, so... it totally works out.
Angela: I don't know if I want your old college a capella group to be our wedding band.
Andy: Ok, I hear you, sweetheart, but this is a deal breaker. But you know what? You're gonna love these guys. Carl 1, Carl 2, Rockley Rob, Spare Rib, Doobie, Lunch Box, Boner Champ, that's me, Pubie Lose and the News, Hopscotch, Jingle Jangle, Sandwich. These are the best best-man a guy could ever hope for.
Angela: [Angela dials the phone] Let's talk about this later. [Dwight's pager buzzes]
Andy: Mm-wah! [Angela walks away, Dwight follows]

Pam: Hey! This is not half-way! I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch.
Jim: [Jim gets down on one knee]
Pam: What are you doing?
Jim: I just... couldn't wait.
Pam: Oh my God!
Jim: Pam, will you marry me?
Pam: Oh my God!
Jim: So?
Pam: Yes! [they embrace and kiss]

Dwight: God. Where is Jim?
Holly: I'm calling it. I guess that's curtains for the yoga guy.
Michael: Aww, really?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: I have to say, I think the problem with that whole thing...
Holly: Yeah?
Michael: ...was that he was a complete stupid idiot.
Holly: Aww man, I really wanted to see them.
Michael: I know. I love Counting Crows.
Holly: Look at where my seats were.
Michael: Wow, really?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: That's a shame. A shame to waste these. I want to buy them from you.
Holly: Michael, you don't have to buy them.
Michael: I do. No. I do. I, I want to. Trust me. I really do.
Holly: Ok.
Michael: Ok?
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: Alright. Alright! [tears up tickets] Just, I want you to just forget about him, ok? Case closed. Umm, can I pay you tomorrow? I have like a 60 dollar limit on my ATM, so...
Holly: Yeah.
Michael: Is that good?
Holly: Yeah.
Jim: Hey, sorry everybody.
Dwight: What are you smiling about there smiley pants? You're late.
Andy: Wet Tuna!
Jim: Hey Dwight.
Michael: OK.
Jim: What's up, Meredith?
Meredith: Nothing.
Dwight: Dripping on me.
Michael: Darryl, would you do the honors?
Darryl: Two thousand one hundred seventy-five. [everyone moans] Sorry guys.
Michael: Nonono, no, no, I don't want to hear moaning. This is a good day. You guys accomplished something big. You lost a ton of weight, literally. A lot of weight. And I don't care what any stupid scale says. You guys are all gigantic losers.

Stanley: I don't know about anyone else. But it was a good summer for me. I lost seven pounds. And you know what? I'm just gonna take five days off anyway.

Toby: [in a hospital bed, watching Entourage in Spanish] Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And, I've been in the hospital five weeks now. I still haven't seen the beach. It's nice to have visitors.


Micahman333 said…
Thanks for the office quotes. I was trying to find that quote from Andy listing all of his friends forever. I actually took a look around at a lot of your other entries. Really nice blog. Thanks

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