My Office Quotes: Night Out

I personally thought this past weeks episode of The Office was the best so far this season. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from "Night out":

Pam Beesly: There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "what if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?" He said, "if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

Michael Scott: [on the phone] I am. I am getting out there. Well, no, I've asked a lot of girls to dance, Mom, they're just- it's not- listen to me for a second. Yes I shaved the back of my neck. Oh my God, Mom I've gotta go one of my friends is getting beat up by some girls!

Kelly: If I had created a website with this many problems I'd kill myself.
Ryan: Do you have a question Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah, I have a lot of questions but number one, how dare you.

Michael Scott: I know that a lot of you are very angry at Ryan because he is the reason that we all have to come in tomorrow. However I swear to God, if any of you hurts him in any way, emotionally, or taunts him, or makes fun of his height, or his half beard,--
Ryan: Ok. Thanks Michael.

Bartender: Here you go.
Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute what is this? I didn't order this.
Bartender: For you. [points to female basketball players] From them.
Dwight Schrute: Oh. [pours out the drink]
Ryan's friend: What are you doing man?
Dwight Schrute: Not safe. Anything could've been in there. [to the girls] Nice try!

Dwight Schrute: [introducing himself] Hi, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character.
Ryan: He basically is man, he's a regular banking wizard.
Dwight Schrute: No no no, not a wizard, a hobbit.
Dwight Schrute: [to Ryan's friend] Do you have powers?

Michael Scott: [as Dwight is smothering Michael's hair with peanut butter] Smells good!
Dwight Schrute: Tastes good too.
Michael Scott: Oh, don't. That's disgusting.
Dwight Schrute: A lot of calories.
Michael Scott: Well don't leave it on too long then.

Michael Scott: Let's go to New York. We'll go clubbing with Ryan.
Jim Halpert: I can't.
Michael Scott: Yes you can! You're single I'm single. It'll be awesome.
Jim Halpert: I'm not single.
Michael Scott: Who are you dating?
Jim Halpert: Pam.
Michael Scott: That's still going on?

Michael Scott: I've never met anybody that does that. You wash dogs. Very cool.
Woman: That's one aspect of small pet grooming. What do you do?
Michael Scott: I am a bank teller.
[cut to talking head]
Michael Scott: Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance.

Phyllis: Did the police solve the problem with the--
Ryan: Yes. Yes they did. Yes they did.
[cut to talking head]
Ryan: Yes. The social networking feature of the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators.
Jim Halpert: And then an older gentleman asks you, "boxers or briefs?"
Creed: I don't get the fuss here. I like the site.

Michael Scott: [clapping slowly] Ryan has done a great job and I am not applauding sarcastically. Think about it. A month ago, nobody would go on this site because we were worried, about getting molested, or losing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time "TDB" all of these problems will be in the past. [to Ryan] You did good kid. You did goood.

Dwight Schrute: Excuse me.
Tall girl: Yeah?
Dwight Schrute: How did you all find each other?
Tall girl: Uh, we're the Jersey State Varsity Basketball Team. North-East regional champs! [girls cheer]
Dwight Schrute: Amazons...

Jim Halpert: Cleaning people. Oscar! [walking to the gate] Ok, so all you need to do is explain to them what happened because I think they can help us.
Oscar: Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish?
Jim Halpert: I d-- if they speak Spanish.
Oscar: Good evening. We locked ourselves in. [long pause before Oscar explains in Spanish] [turning to Jim] They happen to speak Spanish.
Jim Halpert: Lucky us.

Michael Scott: Ryan? Ryan, we're gonna take your clothes off.
Ryan: No! [sits up] Guys. I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do?
Dwight Schrute: I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.
Michael Scott: Shh. Just-- stop. Here's what you do. You tell him, that you're his friend and that you're going to help him and that everything's going to be alright. [pause] And then you put a wire on him, and you find out who's selling him, drugs, and then, you get that and you flip him. Turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy, to people really, really bad.
[Ryan lies back down]
Michael Scott: [to camera] Been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it.

Oscar: We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas.
Toby: Sorry guys but I don't think I tipped him for last year's.
Angela: No neither did I.
Phyllis: Jim was supposed to collect it.
Jim Halpert: [long awkward pause] Yep.
Kevin: Way to go man.
Kelly: Now he's never gonna come.

Michael Scott: I, um, thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting Back to the Future. Back, because it's on my back; and future because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead, into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it's my second favorite movie.
Woman: I've never heard of that movie.
Michael Scott: Back to the Future? Ho! Wow! Well you should take a film education course.

Dwight Schrute: Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me when we were sick? [starts singing in German]
Michael Scott: Ok, Dwight. Shh shh shh. Dwigh, shh. Leave him alone.
Dwight Schrute: It's a lullaby.

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