My Office Quotes: Did I Stutter

Dwight Schrute: [pushing Michael's face into the wet cement] Force it in as deep as you can.
Michael Scott: [muffled] That's what she said.

Michael Scott: Ok, so dig this. You're on the street, and one of your gang disses you.
Darryl: Oh my goodness.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Right. So what do you do to get 'em to make it right?
Darryl: Well see, um, in a gang world, we use something called fluffy fingers.
Michael Scott: What is that?
Darryl: That's when someone really gets in your face, you know you just, start ticklin' 'em.
Michael Scott: [pause] Really?
Darryl: Yeah. And he starts tickling you. And pretty soon you laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Y'all just go to church together, and get an ice cream cone.
Michael Scott: I would have never though that.. gangs would be tickling each other.
Darryl: Oh. It's a fact of life.

Michael Scott: Alright everybody-- [noticing Pam's glasses] Oh. My. God. Pam. Those make you look so ugly. Uhh, Pam in order to get hotter you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction.
Pam Beesly: I don't have my contacts--
Michael Scott: Dah, dah, dah. I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist.

Michael Scott: So how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas, Pam clearly has just given up trying.

Andy: What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message so it just has a little more zing and a little more pep.
Michael Scott: Zing and pep. See that's- those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes Jim.
Jim Halpert: What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep.
Michael Scott: Now we're thinking. I like this.

Michael Scott: That? In the conference room? We were joshin' around, the two of us. And he said, "did I stutter?" And I said, "wu-wu-wu-wu-whhhat dawg?" It was joking, Toby, alright?
Toby: He didn't seem like he was joking.
Michael Scott: Well you don't get it. Because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man and you're... you. If you had any friends, you would understand. Friends joke with one another. "Hey, um, you're poor." "Well hey, your mom is dead." That's what friends do. It's... you're so white.

Michael Scott: I'm not feeling very well, right now though, my stomach hurts so I may be going home early today.
Toby: You know Michael, sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts when there's a mean girl at school.
Michael Scott: Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office, so it's probably psychological.

Kevin: All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses.
Pam Beesly: Oh. Okay. Hmm.
Kevin: It's kind of a turn on for me actually.
Pam Beesly: I should get back to--
Kevin: Like librarians--
Pam Beesly: --entering the--
Kevin: Could you just say, "these are due back Thursday."
Pam Beesly: No.

Michael Scott: Today's a very special day for me. And it's really not about me. It's about my grandkids, it's about my great grandkids... I can come back here when I'm one hundred and I can find that piece of cement and say, "That's me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole." I donno. It's a good feeling.

Dwight Schrute: This car is crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.
Andy: How next to?
Dwight Schrute: Well, here are your options: You can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff, you can donate it to a person who you'd like to see die in a car crash, or you can sell it to me and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey.
Andy: I have to pick one of those?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Andy: Can you go over those options again?

Dwight Schrute: You know what? You knock fifteen hundred dollars off the price right now and I'll take it off your hands. It's gotta be now. Seal the deal. Let's do this thing. Three, two, one. Five, four, three, two, one. Now! Now! Now! Say it! Do it! Now! Do it now! Do it! Shake my hand! You will sell me this car. Shake my hand.
Andy: Yeah! Alright!

Creed: A lot of jazz cats are blind. But, they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.

Kevin: It's Michael versus Stanley and it is the clash of the Titans. In one corner you have Michael and he is mad and then in the other corner you have Stanley and he's mad! So that's about it.

Jim Halpert: If you were a real star you'd put your face in it.
Michael Scott: I love it more!
Oscar: But that doesn't seem.. safe.
Michael Scott: [to camera] IIII love it!

Andy: You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra because you pull up to a stoplight and look over and there's an Xterra next to you, they're always driven by chicks. So there's your ice breaker.

Dwight Schrute: [inspecting Andy's car] Scratch!
Andy: Ahh that's a racing stripe.

Stanley: It's like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I'll say it to my next one too.

Michael Scott: Wet cement, outside, it's drying, fast, come on! This is a life long dream. What do I write?
Kevin: Michael you could put your initials in it.
Michael Scott: MGS? No. Some idiot named Mark Greg Splutnick will claim credit for it.

Michael Scott: Earth to Stanley!
Stanley: Not me.
Michael Scott: Yes you. Come on. Stanley. Put your little game down and join the group.
Stanley: No.
Michael Scott: Stanley we're havin' a little brainstorm session--
Stanley: Did I stutter!?
Michael Scott: Good. This is good. I'm going to grab a glass of water.

Oscar: Why are you telling us this?
Michael Scott: Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, ok?
Kevin: Michael if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing--
Michael Scott: I'm not firing him-- I'm not-- I need you to act like I am firing him. Just, what I am going to do is I'm going to pretend that I am firing him and I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. He needs to learn humility. Alright?

Michael Scott: You are fired like a heart attack.


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