“I have been
developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It’s a perfectly
calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include:
Capitalism, God’s way of determining who is smart, and who is poor. Crying,
acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights.
Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”
“The less I know
about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring
about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his
name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
“Now, I know I’m
not going to find somebody that’s both aggressively mean and apathetic. April
really is the whole package.”
“You had me at meat
tornado.”
“I’m surrounded by
a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.”
“When I walked in
this morning I saw that the flag was at half mast, I though, ‘All right,
another bureaucrat ate it!’ And then I saw it was Lil…
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