My Favorite Office Quotes Of Season 5 (5.2-5.7)

Jim Halpert: By any chance did you see Battlestar Gallactica?
Andy: No I did not. Was that any good?
Jim Halpert: Actually not. It was really so-so. [holds up stopwatch to Dwight] I mean I like all the crazy monsters and stuff, you know like Klingons and Wookies and all that but-- Sorry was, there something you wanted to add Dwight?
Andy: Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica.
Jim Halpert: You what's weird? It's practically a shot for shot remake.
Andy: Really? Huh. Cool.
Jim Halpert: The story's kind of bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calamazin and he has to return the ring back to Mordor.
Andy: [pause] That doesn't sound right...

Jim Halpert: Everybody, just wanted to make an announcment. Pam and I are engaged.
Pam Beesly: [over phone] Hi everyone!
Oscar: I thought you were already engaged.
Jim Halpert: Nope.
Angela: That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy.
Jim Halpert: Thank you, Angela.
Kevin: I got a gift for Pam and Roy, do I have to get another one?
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Andy: Little close to my engagement there, Tuna. What's your game here?
Jim Halpert: To get married.
Dwight Schrute: She's not a virgin you know.

Michael Scott: How do you tell someone, that you care about, deeply, I told you so. Gently? With a rose? In a funny way? Like it's a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go. Because saying it would just make it worse. [...] Probably the funny way.

Michael Scott: [walks in and Jim announced him and Pam are engaged] What's going on?
Pam Beesly: [over the speakerphone] No, nothing. Nothing, Michael. Just saying hi.
Creed: The tall guy got engaged.

Oscar: Once, once one in a while, I, I'll take a long lunch break.
Michael Scott: A siesta!
Dwight Schrute: Time thief! Time thief! Fire him!
Jim Halpert: Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?
Dwight Schrute: Never!
Michael Scott: You are a thief of joy.

Michael Scott: [whispering seriously to Holly] People, expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter, sudden twists, surprise endings. You need to meet Robin Williams and M. Night Shamalhin. You need to be Robin Shamahin.

Jim Halpert: [writing on a whiteboard] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And, Michael, is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through... [writes a question mark] Delusion.

Michael Scott: If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government and... things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

Dwight Schrute: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.

Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They are always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles; I’m constantly hungry. You think my nipples don’t get sore too? You think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Phyllis: [to Dwight who is sharpening a piece of wood with a knife] You making a knife with a knife?
Dwight Schrute: You got a better way?

Creed: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? [whispering] Creed Bratton.

Darryl: Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News, one was Tracy Chapman Fast Car. And my personal favorite: Short People.

Meredith: You know I once dated a couple guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.
Andy: I seriously doubt anyone from Cornell dated you.
Creed: It's pronounced colonel and it's the highest rank in the military.
Andy: It's pronounced Cor-nell! It's the highest rank in the Ivy League!

Michael Scott: Here's my wish. I want you to meet a great guy, and I want you to be happy.
Holly: [leans over and kisses Michael] Thank you.
Michael Scott: My wish has come true, incidentally. Because, you've met me, and you are happy.
Darryl: [quietly] Clever, Mike.

Andy: If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.

[in the conference room with two phones on the table]
Michael Scott: Now Jim is going to be the client, Dwight you are going to have to sell to him without being [reading Dwight's performance review] aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let's go!
Dwight Schrute: Alright. Fine. [picks up phone] Brring, bring.
Jim Halpert: [picks up] Hello?
Dwight Schrute: Hello this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
Jim Halpert: Well that's great because I need paper.
Dwight Schrute: Excellent then you are in luck because we a limited time offer only on everything!
Jim Halpert: Wow this is my lucky day.
Michael Scott: [whispering to Dwight] Ask him his name.
Dwight Schrute: What is your name, sir?
Jim Halpert: I am Bill Butlicker.
Dwight Schrute: Really, that's your real name?
Jim Halpert: How dare you? My family built this country by the way!
Michael Scott: Be respectful, Dwight. Please.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, Michael.
Jim Halpert: Could you hold on one second that's my other line. Hello? [laughing] Yeah I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything.
Michael Scott: [after Dwight looks over at him] It's up to you to change his mind.
Jim Halpert: Sorry that was a.. family emergency.
Dwight Schrute: Oh no, what's wrong.
Jim Halpert: You know what? That's private.
Michael Scott: Boundaries, Dwight! Come on!
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry Mr. Butlicker. As I was saying, we are having--
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry you're going to have to speak up a little bit louder I'm hard of hearing.
Michael Scott: He's hard of-- He's an old man.
Dwight Schrute: As I was saying, right now--
Jim Halpert: You're gonna have talk louder.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. Our prices have never been lower--
Jim Halpert: Son you have to talk louder.
Dwight Schrute: Never been lower!--
Jim Halpert: LOUDER, SON!
Dwight Schrute: BUTLICKER! OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!--
Michael Scott: Stop it! [whispering] That is totally inappropriate! You never yell at the client! You never yell at the client.
Jim Halpert: Now you listen to me, sir.
Michael Scott: Here we go.
Jim Halpert: The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult! I'm irate right now!
Dwight Schrute: Mr. Butlicker!-- I have to put you on with my boss.
Michael Scott: Hello this is Michael Scott, regional manager.
Jim Halpert: Well this is William M. Butlicker.
Michael Scott: Hello Mr. Butlicker, how may we help you?
Jim Halpert: Michael I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy one million dollars worth of paper products today.
Michael Scott: [covering mic] See how it's done? Thank you very much sir I don't think you'll regret it.
Dwight Schrute: You are the master!
Jim Halpert: There is one condition, Michael. You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.
Dwight Schrute: Don't do it Michael.
Michael Scott: It's a million dollar sale...

Dwight Schrute: You're back.
Pam Beesly: Uh, yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Good. [takes papers out] I need you to make five copies of these.
Pam Beesly: I'm not going inside.
Dwight Schrute: Alright. First thing in the morning then.
Jim Halpert: Welcome back.

Michael Scott: [during his International Business Customs conference] Did you know that in Morocco, it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan, you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy, you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite.

Michael Scott: A concierge is the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha. This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure. And when you meet one it is intoxicating. Just what the doctor ordered.

Meredith: Pam failed art school.
Dwight Schrute: Pfft. Well. Doesn't surprise me.
Jim Halpert: Excuse me?
Dwight Schrute: Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two directions. What!? Are there two suns? Uhh, last I checked that's not an office building in the Andromeda galaxy. It's totally unrealistic! There's no lines in the parking lot.

Michael Scott: My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client. And I have always been intrigued by all things international: the women, the pancakes, The Man of Mystery...

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